YesterdayTomorrow.Today. 圣.中国 Chuang.Li
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. 5678.Today

成年人社交中的20个潜规则

– 01 –

先说一个大家都认可的常识:人都是社会动物,在人际交往中都会克制负面情绪。

从这个常识出发,别人的负面情绪,其实远比你感受到的大。

换句话说,你感受到别人对你的不耐烦是1,那真实的水平应该是10。

其他情感同理。

– 02 –

没有回应的请求,就是拒绝。

就像我一个同学,向他朋友借钱卖房。我同学微信发过去之后,他朋友没搭理他。

后来我这个同学以为对方没收到,又打电话、发微信,追着问了三次,对方都没回应。

他跟我说了这个故事之后,我说,没有答案,本身不就是答案么?

– 03 –

别人夸你的时候不要太得意,人生总体是守恒的,有多少人夸你,就有多少人骂你,或者排着队看你的笑话。

就像当年我参加工作的时候,我爸就跟我说,当年夸我学习好、有出息的街坊,同样也在笑话我:北大毕业又怎么样,部级单位又怎么样,工资那么低,在北京怕是连饭都吃不上。

所以,别人夸你不要洋洋得意,你也不知道自己哪天会摔倒。

同时,别人嘲笑你也不要太在意,对他们最好的回击就是你的成绩。

另外,请记住我一句话:牛逼的人总是毁誉参半。

– 04 –

“会夸人”,是高级生产力。

有一次,我跟插坐学院创始人何川老师在簋街撸串,聊到一个社交相关的话题,我冒出来一句“对于很多小白来讲,嘴甜是一种高级生产力,能帮他们改善很多人际关系,找到不少机会”。

何川纠正我说:“不光小白,嘴甜、会夸人对所有人来说,都是高级生产力。”

夸人,我可以分享3个小技巧。

1、如果你不愿意当面夸人,你可以背后夸,夸人的话早晚会传到对方耳朵里。

2、夸人不要总是聚焦显而易见的优点,因为对方都被夸腻了。

比如好看的人你可以夸他有内涵,有钱人你可以夸他有文化,身材好的人你可以夸他长得好看……

3、夸人不要泛泛而谈,要聚焦细节,翔实生动。

比如李安的电影《喜宴》里,儿媳妇顾威威这样评价高父的书法作品:

“不论用笔或者是结构,都有一种经过精心推敲却又浑然天成的美,而且气韵跟这一首白居易的诗浑然呵成一体,这是艺术里非常高的境界,而且您这幅字全篇从头至尾没有一个败笔,真是神闲气足、长寿之征啊”。

这就比别人说的“好,写的真好”,高到不知道哪里去了。

当然这不是让你硬夸,确实没优点还硬夸,那就是就是虚伪了。

– 05 –

不要问低级、简单的问题。

如果有人老问你特别简单的问题,这个人可能有三种问题:

一是特别懒,百度都不愿查;

二是没动脑,有的问题真的是好好思考一下,自己就1能得到答案;

三是不珍惜别人时间,不想付出努力,只想麻烦别人。

我遇到问这种问题的人,分分钟想爆炸。

老师,秦和汉,哪个在前哪个在后?

按顺序来。

老师,我想学写作赚钱,怎么做?

先开始写。

老师,我也想年薪100W,怎么做?

先达到年薪10W

……

很多时候,不是别人不爱搭理你,而是你问的既没有营养,也没有提前做知识准备,对别人也是一种冒犯。

– 06 –

没有人喜欢听批评,如果他说喜欢,那他撒谎。

其中对别人生理、人品、家庭、工作价值、精神层面的批评,是直击核心的批评。如果不是故意友尽,还是不要瞎说的好。

比如我有个朋友,跟我说了好几次:感觉你的工作没什么价值啊,净写那些玩意儿有什么用,咋还不转行?

所以,我们已经一年多没联系了。

– 07 –

待人处事要真诚,因为真诚本身就能够解决很多问题。

特别是出了问题要及时沟通,不要等到事情无法收拾了,再用谎言进行掩盖。

前天我去中信出版社拜访,编辑老师吃饭的时候提到,本来安排了一位新媒体作者,对一位畅销书作家进行访谈。

结果采访当天上午,这个作者说生病来不了。无奈双方约定了三天后。第二次采访当天,这个作者在约定时间没出现。后来直接不回微信,也不接电话。

后来发现,这个作者根本没生病,而是临时出去旅游了。

撒谎,绝对能直接毁灭一切好感。

– 08 –

要及时记住别人的名字,因为没有人会认为自己无足轻重。

我刚做记者的时候,参加过一个媒体答谢会,采访了某个世界500强公司的亚太负责人。两年后在一次快年活动上,这位外国高管竟然记得我的名字。当时真的是有点感动,对方又不懂中文,平时还这么忙,过了这么久还能记住我的名字,确实不容易。

有很多人说自己记不住别人的名字,那只是你觉得对方不重要罢了。但是,没有任何人,会认为自己不该得到尊重。

– 09 –

约见一定要准时,哪怕不准时,也不要撒谎,嘴上说着“五分钟就到”,其实还有半小时。

之前有个师兄,介绍了他一个亲戚,说是想考北大的研究生,让我介绍一下学院的各个老师。因为扛不住对方的热情,只好约了喝咖啡。结果这个女生迟到一个多小时,但每次问她,她都说还有五分钟就到。

后来她道歉,说自己是习惯性迟到。

这哪是习惯性迟到,根本就是习惯性撒谎。

– 10 –

一定要警惕那些“没什么事,就想找你聊聊”的人。

明明几年都没联系,但是一聊就聊半小时的人,一般是要找你办事。如果很快说了目的还好,如果老是顾左右而言他,往往是因为他知道,这件事情会让你很为难。

这种情况下,也不用担心什么面子,能办就办,不能办就不办。

你以为拒绝对方伤感情,其实答应了办不成才更伤感情。

– 11 –

强烈建议摒弃无用社交,你不行,认识谁都没用。

曾有人跟作家李尚龙说:“我参加了不少社交,朋友也不少,但直到今天,很多事情都无人帮助我,很难过。”

李尚龙问她:“社交场上,别人一般怎么介绍你?”她说:“我的朋友,小白。”

李尚龙说:“一般怎么介绍那些优秀的人?”她说:“独立撰稿人、主播、导演、教授……”

所以,如果你自己不强大,很多社交其实没有什么用。

如果不能给别人创造价值或者潜在价值,别人明知道你想在人家身上找机会,为什么要认识你?

– 12 –

费劲维系的关系,最终都是费力不讨好。

以前有人,在某校友群里加了某领导,从此每天化身天气预报员,每天对该领导嘘寒问暖,天冷提醒加衣,下雨提醒带伞……

后来该领导直接把此人删掉了,某次饭局上提到此人不无轻蔑:年轻人有精力还不如干点正事,不要总是想走歪门邪道。

所以,请记住我这句话:舔狗舔到最后,往往一无所有。

– 13 –

不要过度的展现你的生活细节,适当保持神秘,是增添魅力的不二法门。

我曾经跟一位采访过很多大佬的财经记者交流,他说很多大佬“远看魅力无限,近看瑕疵点点”,这些大佬各有各的毛病,并不像很多人想的那么完美。

这就是所谓的“仆人眼里无伟人”,离得太近、细节展现的太多,你就会丧失过多的神秘性,魅力也会大大降低。

– 14 –

学会礼貌!

接触的人越多,我发现很多人基本的礼貌都没有,其实说个“你好、请问、谢谢……”,即使不能给你的社交加分,但肯定不会扣分。

我很多读者加了我之后,就直接说“我很迷茫,我该怎么办”“我现在有个 xx 问题,你说说答案”。往往连个请问、你好都没有,我只能默念“那您继续迷茫好了”。

很多事儿只要你好好说就能解决,但是很多人就不,归根结底还是不够重视,或者是从小没养成好习惯。

– 15 –

保持可激怒的状态,你会过得很舒服。

什么是可激怒的状态?就是别人触碰你的底线,或者让你不舒服的时候,你要表达出来,或者反击。

我曾经看过一个例子:有一个酒鬼爸爸,每次醉酒后就打骂妈妈,妈妈一直默默忍受,直到这家的大儿子长大后,这种问题才停止。

很多人都认为,是爸爸有问题。但其实妈妈也有问题,默默忍耐十几年,如果在最开始,找个机会反抗或者离婚,可能根本不会忍受这么久的家暴。

所以很多时候,你完全不需要一直忍受,该抗议的时候抗议,该反击的时候反击。

如果别人知道你不好欺负,自然不会欺负你。

– 16 –

《一代宗师》里有一句话:见不得人好,见不得人高明,那就是小人,是没有容人之量。

一定要远离这种人。

因为,如果你过得不好也就罢了,如果你过得好,他会想尽办法坑你、散播关于你的坏话。

– 17 –

社交当中要尽可能的做到平衡,不要刻意不刻意的冷落任何一个人,因为真的有人内心很脆弱、敏感,我们还是要照顾到别人的情绪。

毕竟社交是为了加强人际关系,没必要因为小疏忽得罪人。

– 18 –

不要过分在意陌生人的眼光。

有个家庭条件很不好的女生讲过一个故事,说自己在上大学之前都没吃过麦当劳,没涂过口红、没坐过飞机……其中最让她介意的,是第一次去西餐厅的时候,点了一份8分熟的牛排。

因为她后来学了一点西餐礼仪,知道点牛排的熟度一般是点单数,点双数显得很外行,可能被当时的服务生默默嘲笑了。

其实我觉得,外出消费,买的是个开心舒适,太过介意自己是不是露怯,是不是看起来很土,往往是自己内心力量不强大。

你其实不用太介意陌生人的眼光,因为反正谁都不认识谁,3分钟以后除了你自己,没人会感觉尴尬。

– 19 –

任何性格的人都值得交往。

有的人就喜欢那些外向、自来熟的人,但是人心的空间是有限的,对谁都很热情、自来熟的人,情感不会太长久。

反倒是那些很难走进他们内心,看起来很内向的人,友情比较容易持久。

– 20 –

丧失一段关系是一段很正常的事情,特别是你成长越快,你就越容易脱离昔日关系。

我一直认为,最好的人际关系应当是具备建设性的,就是指两个人有基本相同的价值观和行为准则,两个人在一起比较舒服,而且能够互相督促成长。

双方的步调,总体应该保持一致。

如果一方总是领先另一方,那么不管是领先的还是落后的,都会感觉特别累。

不管是从价值观、社会地位,还是共同话题上,两者的交集都会越来越少,交往起来就越来越难。

从这个角度来讲,不要尝试去挽回一段失败的关系,因为总是会有人因为跟不上你的步伐而掉队。

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  51. #51

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  52. #52

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  53. #53

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